How I Became A Pirate

from by Julian Velard

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I am plastic man
I become the bridge you walk on
And I’m your bedroom lamp
I can guard you while you sleep
But I don’t understand
Anything about the
Export business
The troubles with tariffs
Or formal dinners
Your father holds me to
The marriage has been set
For the fourth of this December
That’s forty-eight more days
I’ll be cleaning the latrine
I’m always up on deck
I’m so tired of these
Frozen oceans
And broken hearted sailors
And all their sailing terms
Love has just become some used up word
I dream about a world that’s something better
A paradise of Booby-Filled Pudding Desserts
A land where all the sand is clean
There’s not a single footprint to be seen
I’d like it if you came along
I don’t think I can go there on my own
I don’t know where this is going
so let’s go slow yeah
Oh my god
I think I’m flowing yeah yeah I
I wish I’d known before
That your mouth’s an open door
Oh now every crewman knows
How they whisper through the night
And they’re planning a revolt
Cause they’re tired of your
Mother’s sweater
She makes us wear them
They’re all the same type
Black and white stripes

They call me Captain
And pledge their devotion
And plot out courses
To fix their divorces
Now why did you tell them?
They’ve gone and changed everything
There’s no more pudding
There’s hardly anything ‘cept
All their worries
And petty insecurities
I don’t have what it takes to
Make your parents
Walk that long wood plank


from Nitetime, released January 1, 2003


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Julian Velard New York

Julian Velard is a singer, songwriter, and piano man. A biting 21st century wit in a stylish package—think Harry Connick, Jr. with the panache of a Brooklyn hipster—recalling Stephen Sondheim or Randy Newman at the peak of their talents.His comedic timing and musical stylings have made him a regular on The Howard Stern Show and NPR’s Ask Me Another. He is also an instructor for Linkedin Learning. ... more

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