Fancy Words For Failure

by Julian Velard

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credits

released June 16, 2017

Produced by Steve Power, Frank LoCrasto and Julian Velard
Arranged by Frank LoCrasto
Engineered by Rohan Onraet
Recorded on March 7-12 2017 at The Clubhouse Studio in Rhinebeck, NY
Recording assisted by Ru Lemer and Mike Dwyer
Vocals edited at 7th Street Stables in New York, NY
Mixed by Steve Power at TOP Studios in London, UK
Mastered by Nathan James at Vault Mastering Studios
Vinyl cut by Chris Muth at taloowa.com

Photography by Damari McBride - damarimcbride.com
Styling by Robyn Roberts - styledbyrobyn.xyz
Liner Notes by Michael Duquette
Album Design by Jim Tierney

Personnel:

Julian Velard - Vocals, Piano on “Glad I Wasted All My Time With You”
Frank LoCrasto - Fender Rhodes, Dyno Rhodes, Piano, Tack Piano, Hammond B-3, Vox Super Continental, Clavinet, Prophet 5, Minimoog, Mellotron
Ryan Bull - Electric Guitar, Acoustic Guitar, Baritone Guitar
Adam Chilenski - Electric Bass, Upright Bass, Synth Bass
Bill Campbell - Drums, Percussion
Gary Schreiner - Chromatic Harmonica
Alex Sopp - Flute
Justin Flynn - Alto Sax, Clarinet

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about

Julian Velard Brooklyn, New York

Julian Velard is songwriter, piano man, and native New Yorker. a biting 21st century wit in a stylish package—think Harry Connick, Jr. with the panache of a Brooklyn hipster—recalling Stephen Sondheim or Randy Newman at the peak of their talents.

His comedic timing and musical stylings have made him a regular on The Howard Stern Show and NPR’s Ask Me Another.
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Track Name: Don't Ask Me About Hamilton (Anymore)
My masterpiece got released today
Finally got to sing what I had to say
For 37 years I’ve been doing it wrong
Melody’s good and the rhymes are true
If you like Billy Joel I made it easy for you
Shoulda been a musical instead of a song

I wrote the whole thing with my heart and got rejected
It woulda worked had been lit correctly, choreographed and stage directed
No I’m not a genius, the Pulitzer’s not mine
People tell me I’m a hater but my loved ones know I’m kind
I like to make up stories, that’s what my music’s for
So don’t ask me about Hamilton anymore

You wanna see the hottest show on Broadway
You gonna have to give your first child away
Quite a price to pay for a work of art
You can get my entire life’s work for free
Maybe that’s why nobody listens to me
Instead of playing the fool, I should playing the part

I wrote the whole thing in my head it was inventive
I got to showcase all my talents and the audience was half attentive
No I’m not a genius, the MacArthur Grant’s not mine
People tell me I’m a hater but my loved ones know I’m kind
I like to make up stories, that’s what my music’s for
So don’t ask me about Hamilton anymore

I’m not sure what you want me to say
I listened to the soundtrack, I think that it’s okay
And I hope they give minorities more parts to play
Lin-Manuel, I wish you well
And a thousand years of stories to tell

I wrote the whole thing with my heart it was the greatest
But no one’s ever gonna see it when they’re busy looking for the latest
Name to call a genius, who cares if it’s not mine
The only thing that matters is
My loved ones know I’m kind
And I get to make my stories, that’s what my music’s for
Don’t ask me about Hamilton
Please don’t ask me about Hamilton anymore
Track Name: 24-Hour Flower Boy
24-hour Flower Boy
So nice to see you again
Here at 2 in the morning
Happy to see you’re still employed
The wife and I are fighting again
And I’m hoping you can help me find
The kind of bouquet that will stay the night
The words I can say that will make things right
You no speak good English
But I need your powers and your flowers

24-hour Flower Boy
You’ve always been there for me
When it’s 3 in the morning
And I’m heading home half destroyed
From singing my heart out in bars
No one’s out apart from us and the stars
Your wear that apron like a bulletproof vest
And I’m always gettin’ shot by stupid requests
We don’t need good English
We’ve got all these hours and all these flowers

Roses bent into poses
Just like the scratchiness in my voice
Like you arrange ya hydrangeas
We wouldn’t do this if we had a choice

24-hour flower boy
Are you a family man?
Do you have any children?
A couple of kids to fill the void
Spend your life watching them grow
Protect them from the only truth we know
The blossoms you sell, they never last long
All happiness fades like the end of a song
We don’t need good English
With this language that’s ours
In the wee small hours
Made of whiskey sours and your flowers

Carnations are my salvation
Just like the harmonies I suspend
I like your lilies
Do I sound silly
When I tell you you’re my best friend?
24-hour flower boy
Track Name: Sweatpants On The Living Room Floor
I miss you
It’s only been an hour or two
A week by myself, I might not make it through
This is my life now that I’m married
My single friends keep buying shots at the bar
I keep watching movies, wondering what you’re doing where you are

Going out is what Friday night is for
That’s not my Friday night anymore
I spend it with you, sitting in sweatpants on the living room floor
Instead of hanging out and giving it a second look
I stay home and cry at “The Notebook”
Now that I got you
I’ll never be lonely anymore

I’m in love
You face is all I’m thinking of
But I’ll take your laugh if push comes to shove
It’s my favorite thing that now we’re married
I wanna hear you chuckle at whatever’s on TV
It’s gonna be white knuckle till you’re back here on the couch with me

Going out is what Friday night is for
That’s not my Friday night anymore
I spend it with you sitting in sweatpants on the living room floor
Instead of talking to girls, making chit chat
I’m having heart to hearts with our pussycat
Now that I got you
I’ll never be lonely anymore
Sitting in sweatpants on the living room floor

People I say should have made it
That I could have dated models and movie stars
I always knew that if I waited
That would find my own success
Without changing how I dress
And one day I’d get the chance
To find love and stay in my sweatpants
I’m in my sweatpants, yeah yeah yeah

Going out is what Friday night is for
That’s not my Friday night anymore
I spend it with you sitting in sweatpants on the living room floor
Instead of trying to be somebody else
I get to be with you and be myself
I got you
I’ll never be lonely anymore
Sitting in sweatpants on the living room floor
Track Name: Trust Is A Four Letter Word
I need the money
Of course I need the money
What else do you want me to say?
I’ll take the money
I don’t make a lot of money
Somehow I make a living this way
I’ll share the money
I don’t care about the money
That should be obvious to you
It’s not about the money
I don’t do this for the money
This is what the money lets me do

All my life, I ran the race
You don’t get gold for second place
I done with trust, I’m not naïve
Tell someone else, I don’t believe

‘Cause trust is a four letter word
The most hurtful one I’ve ever heard
The cause of all the pain I’ve incurred
Let my pride gather dust
Trust is a four letter word

I’m not famous
I’ll never be famous
No one will remember my name
My friends that get famous
Forget me when they’re famous
I probably would do the same
You say I could be famous
You say I should be famous
You tell me it’s a matter of when
If only you were famous
Then you could make me famous
And I could see my friends again

I’ve been good, maybe great
What’s that got with to fate?
I wanna cure all talk of destiny
With a healthy dose of irony

‘Cause trust is a four-letter word
The most meaningless I’ve ever heard
The concept’s completely absurd
Keep the faith if you must
But trust is a four letter word

Whatever honesty you meant is not what I heard
I spent my whole life trying to see the signs
While reading in between the lines
So now the letters L-O-V-E
Sound like F-U-C-K to me

Trust is a four letter word
The most irrelevant I’ve ever heard
My perspective is permanently blurred
Is my bitterness just?
Am I a boom or a bust?
Tell me is trust is a four letter word?
Track Name: Glad I Wasted All My Time With You
Baby just look at us
We’re getting old
Life only goes faster now
So I’ve been told
I had big plans, things I was supposed to do
I’m glad I wasted all my time with you

So many years I spent inside your eyes
Wondering why you chose me over other guys
Trying to make you understand the things I do
I’m glad I wasted all my time with you

There’s something in me that still believes
There’s something that I could still achieve
I want the success, I want all the fame
Most of all I want it all to stay the same

My favorite memories are of us on the train
Stuck on a Brooklyn bus, trapped in a plane
Holding hands, talking ‘bout nothing new
I’m glad I wasted all my time with you

Why can’t I make these moments last?
Are they my future or my past?
Am I holding too tight? Am I moving too slow?
When the memories are gone, where do they go?

Baby just look at us
We were a couple of kids
Now we’re an old couple whose
Kids have kids
I’ve all this time to think things through
Now I’m glad I wasted all my time with you
Track Name: Something's Gotta Be Wrong
Couldn’t get out of bed today
So I got half of season one out the way
Of that highly overrated show that depends on
Suspension of disbelief
6 hours later I’m still depressed
I don’t understand why everybody’s so obsessed
Like the wise old lady said, “Where’s The Beef?”

Well I’ve spent my life inside my head
Never thought it was gonna work out
Got a perfect wife and a brand new kid
Can’t believe it was ever in doubt
The whole thing should be humbling
Still I wonder what it’s all about
You know with me
Something’s gotta be wrong
Something’s gotta be wrong

Last year I started seeing a shrink
Thought I’d get a stranger’s thoughts about the way I think
An hour every other week he sits in a chair
And asks me how I feel
I say, “I try to be good but the world isn’t fair
And middle class values never got me anywhere.”
He says, “Julian, you gotta take shit, that’s the deal”

Well I’ve spent my life inside my head
Pretty sure that’s it gonna work out
Got a decent wife and an average kid
I’ll give them both the benefit of the doubt
I guess I should be grateful
Still I wonder what it’s about
You know with me
Something’s gotta be wrong
Something’s gotta be wrong

Glass is half empty I don’t care what you heard
Call me a failure or some other fancy word
I dissected my dreams
Saw their stitches and seams
For me happiness means
That nothing good
Is as good as it seems

Well I spend my life inside my head
I’m forever trying to find a way out
Yes I love my wife and I love my kid
It’s the only thing that’s never in doubt
If true north’s the best direction
Heading south is what I’m all about
You know with me
My whole life long
Something’s gotta be wrong
Something’s gotta be wrong
Something’s gotta be wrong
Track Name: The Night Ed Sheeran Slept On My Couch
I look around and see that nothing has changed
Maybe I’ll get the furniture rearranged
Flipping through channels on daytime TV
Playing piano for nobody but me

While he plays in Paris
And wakes up in Rome
Private planes to LA
But it wasn’t that way
The night Ed Sheeran slept on my couch

My fridge is broken, it’s a hundred years old
Customer service people got me on hold
I’m getting close, number 3 in line
A few more payments and the fridge will be mine

While he pays for nothing
Each meal comes for free
He just sings them a song
The same one he sang me
The night Ed Sheeran slept on my couch

I’ve let a lot people sleep on my couch
Stretch themselves out
It’s a comfortable couch
All I remember is
Is someone named Ed
Who needed a bed
He got the couch instead

That time in my life, it’s over and done
Still I sit here and wonder what if I’d been the one
Sleeping on sofas, maybe then I would see
What’s special about him and why it’s not me

Living life in the moment, free from regret
Now the world’s biggest star is the same kid I met
That forgettable night I’ll never forget
The night Ed Sheeran slept on my couch
Track Name: Goodbye Hollywood, Hello Adulthood
How does this story go?
Not sure I wanna know
Am I a star in the making?
Immortality’s taking its time
Let’s have another drink

I’ll play you one more song
I’ll make it nice and long
“Hey Jude” goes down well with whiskey
Letting go might be risky but I’m
Ready to take a real chance
Explore the mysteries of derivative finance
Face the great unknown
Make monthly payments on a 10-year adjustable loan
Walk out this bar and say
Goodbye Hollywood
Hello Adulthood
I’m ready for you now

When does this story end?
How long must I pretend
This is the life that I dreamed of
If you knew what my self-esteem does late at night
You’d have another drink

I’ll write me one more song
I’ll probably get it wrong
It might not be it entertaining
I’m giving up on explaining myself
What’s there to understand?
I got caught up in supply, forgot about demand
And opportunity cost
I took the road less traveled and I got lost
Don’t need a map to say
Goodbye Hollywood
Hello Adulthood

I’m ready for you
Heading toward you
You’re not the way I thought you’d be
You’re proud and funny
Value for money
A corduroy suit just made for me
And when I stop to think
Soon as I finish my drink
I realize you were always right here, waiting for me

I finally understand
My life’s not gonna turn out the way I planned
It’s a simple fact
Every one trick pony gets a second act
Blow me a kiss and say
Goodbye Hollywood
Hello Adulthood
I’m ready for you now