Please Don't Make Me Play Piano Man (Official Queens Cast Recording)

by Julian Velard

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  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Signed limited edition 150 gram vinyl of the Official Queens Cast Recording of my MUSICAL!*, Please Don't Make Me Play Piano Man. Comes with custom Queensbill™ and souvenir letterpress ticket that's good for admission to opening night on BROADWAY!**

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    A signed, limited edition CD of the Official Queens Cast Recording of my unreleased MUSICAL!* that comes with a custom Queensbill and souvenir ticket (good for admission to opening night on BROADWAY!**). Purchase comes with download. Only on sale for 24 hours for Bandcamp Friday.

    More info on the project:

    Inspired by the unsuccessful experimental Broadway shows of the 1970s, singer-songwriter-comedian Julian Velard has written a musical about his own life. A born Manhattanite living in Queens with a wife and a child, Velard has quit the music business for the stable world of musical theater. Joined by his co-writer and fellow dad Mark from the Park, Velard presents his disasterpiece in an attempt to face middle age with his dreams still on his shoulders and the realities of life around his neck.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Please Don't Make Me Play Piano Man (Official Queens Cast Recording) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 19 Julian Velard releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Golden (Feat. Ari Hest), Circles, Can't Smile Without You, Please Don't Make Me Play Piano Man (Official Queens Cast Recording), Comfort Zone, Sad Dad, Fancy Words For Failure, The Night Ed Sheeran Slept On My Couch, and 11 more. , and , .

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1.
Overture 03:01
2.
I thought I’d be young forever, can’t believe I’m 40 years old My life shoulda been a big hit but not enough tickets were sold I was searching for something great but the trail’s gone cold Had the world in my hands but it was just hard to hold Manhattan was mine for the taking when I was in my teens A rock and roll star in the making, not a family man living in Queens Still singing my songs in bars but I’m running out of steam So much has changed but I still have the same dream There’s no growing old in New York, but that’s what’s happening to me Gave you the best years of my life, you coulda given me a guarantee I’m running outta youth, I gotta face the truth My name’s never gonna make a marquee Got nowhere to go So I gotta know Tell me honestly New York, what you gonna do with me? Met my wife working in a restaurant 18 years ago Took me 9 years to get a first date, my wife likes to take it slow She was a singer and a dancer looking for a part She gave up it all up but it didn’t break her heart We had a beautiful baby girl and but somehow I'm still the same A spoiled little boy writing songs who still thinks the answer is fame You’re listening to my musical, I haven’t played it for my wife But it’s my best shot to pay for this city life There’s no growing old in New York, but that’s what’s happening to me Gave you the best years of my life, you coulda given me a guarantee I’m running outta youth, I gotta face the truth My name’s never gonna make a marquee Got nowhere to go So I gotta know Tell me honestly New York, what you gonna do with me? New York, what you gonna do with me? New York, what you gonna do with me?
3.
Daddy’s trying to sleep She’s pulling my hair It’s five in the morning I need coffee And she needs Sesame Street My Misses left me list It reads like script Written by Russians A serious play About the food our family eats Zip up her coat And pick up her blocks Buckle her in So I can put on her socks Over an hour To get her dressed and out the door My daughter’s kicking and screaming She’s pushing like never before While I’m pushing a stroller Around a grocery store Off to the playground we go To meet Mark and his son Because it’s Monday Mark’s got a similar life And a similar wife We sit and talk about the Knicks While our kids kick a ball into puddles We’d love to get tickets A guy’s night out would be nice Mark looks at his wrist Then pulls out a list Says, “I better hurry or Gail will be pissed It’s getting late , she gets home about a quarter to four.” Mark asks if I wanna go shopping And I say, “Mark that’s what Mondays are for!” So now I’m pushing a stroller Around Mark’s Grocery Store Come on, let's take a walk around the produce! These days there’s not much I believe in But there’s one thing that I know for sure That when the misses gets home I’ll be lying face down on the floor She’ll ask me how the kid is And I’ll say, “My lower back’s sore.” Then she’ll open the fridge And say, “Honey I forgot, we need one thing more.” And I’ll be pushing a stroller Around a grocery store
4.
It’s 11 o’clock on a Wednesday I’m badly in need of break There’s a beautiful blonde singing next me She’s making all kinds of mistakes She says, “I heard this song once when I was 16, And I’ve loved it my whole life long. It’s my 21st birthday and I’m really drunk And everyone will sing along Oh no no no no no, Oh no no no no, oh no Please don’t make me play Piano Man Cause I’ve already played it 5 times tonight I don’t expect you to understand But my hands are too sore and my heart is too tired To put up a fight Tom at the bar has his face in his phone He never remembers my name He pours the drinks while he clicks the links Searching for fortune and fame He says, “Buddy can you help me find someone online, This pretty young thing I just met? She’s a corporate lawyer from the Upper East Side. Her dad’s worth a billion I bet." Oh no no no no no, Oh no no no no, oh no Bob is in some kind of retail I think he sells second hand clothes And he’s talking with Tim or maybe it’s Jim They’ve all been at my last three shows And the waitress is angry and miserable While the Jersey boys jump up and down They shout and they scream, they just do what they please Cause this is their night on the town Please don’t make me play Piano Man Cause I’ve already played it 5 times tonight I don’t expect you to understand But my hands are too sore and my heart is too tired To put up a fight I’d say the bar’s pretty empty But it’s just your average Wednesday Billy Joel’s rocking the Garden And is this place is four blocks away At 11:05 they come tumbling in They fill up their drinks and I fill up with fear Cause it cuts like a knife, I’ve sang it all my life “Man, what am I doing here?” Oh no no no no no, Oh no no no no, oh no Please don’t make me play Piano Man Cause I’ve already played it 5 times tonight I don’t expect you to understand But my hands are too sore and my heart is too tired To put up a fight
5.
I can’t believe you're pregnant again Didn’t think life could get better and then God blessed us twice, Jesus Christ, Amen I can’t believe you’re pregnant again I’m not crying, these are tears of joy Don’t matter to me if it’s a girl or a boy The apartment’s a mess, nothing left to destroy I can’t believe you’re pregnant again Let’s spend it all on childcare Till one of us becomes a millionaire Maybe then we’ll have a couple more Why stop at two when we can have four? Just because we’re broke don’t mean I’m cheap When you’re already drowning, it don’t matter how deep At the end of the day, it’s only sleep I can’t believe you’re pregnant again Truth be told, I was good with one Thought of my days of diapers were done But married people can still have sex And this is one of the side effects I shouldn’t be surprised by the situation A new child is cause for celebration So here’s to you successfully tracking ovulation And here’s to me finding my zen I can’t believe you’re pregnant again
6.
MARK: They call me Mark Mark from the Park They only know me as a dad But before my kid I had A certain spark I wrote 5 shows That no one knows A one man musical of Jaws That overcame the movie’s flaws I played the shark JULIAN: When will the world stop being mean to us And recognize our genius I’ve been patient, lemme tell ya MARK: I can’t believe my face isn’t on a stamp JULIAN: I spent two decades suffering for my art MARK: I put my heart on every page And watch it die up on the stage The audience is always in the dark I’m always Mark from the Park They call me nuts Think I’m a putz All the moms make fun of me Cause I keep my mornings free I hate their guts JULIAN: I hate their guts MARK: Ugh, awful I’m choosing words And feeding birds While my son just runs around I keep him here at the playground Until it shuts JULIAN: We should be winning Grammy and Tony awards Instead of running for school boards They made me treasurer, can you believe it? MARK: They tried to make me vaccinate my kid JULIAN: I’m nearly middle aged with no success MARK: I’m gonna die in 20 years And then I’ll be praised by my peers Make me martyr just like Joan of Arc Instead of Mark from The Park JULIAN: They call him Mark MARK: They call me lots of things, the children give me names JULIAN: Mark from Park MARK: They won’t let me or my son play their stupid games JULIAN: They know only him as a dad But before his kid he had A certain spark MARK: I was the toast of Off-Off-Off-Broadway JULIAN: He wrote 5 shows MARK: You shoulda seen the amount of paper that it took JULIAN: That no one knows MARK: Nobody cares about the guy who wrote the book JULIAN: A one man musical of Jaws That overcame the movie’s flaws He played the shark BOTH: We came in second place, two silver schmucks When you don’t come first, second sucks We’ll never get the gold So far away from hot, we’re freezing cold I’m sure the world is full of guys like us JULIAN: We’re never gonna win the fight MARK: It doesn’t matter what we write JULIAN: I know each time I start a song MARK: I’ll get the ending wrong JULIAN: And the bite of it is meaner than the bark MARK: Like the shark BOTH: I give up Call me Mark from the Park
7.
Pull up a chair, it’s just you and me We’re drinking tonight like we’re still twenty-three We can be young again and be home by ten Only takes a few beers till we see The people that we used to be Let’s start with a round of Heineken Light We gotta ease our way in It’s been a while since we had a guy’s night Mark, let the good times begin I’ve got 5 in the jukebox Pick a song you love Anything by Dylan makes me smile Let’s go talk to the girls at the end of the bar Feels good to pretend for a while Pull up a chair, it’s just you and me We’re drinking tonight like we’re still twenty-three We can be young again and be home by ten Only takes a few beers till we see The people that we used to be I’m ready to drink something stronger than this Whaddya say, let’s do a shot Tequila or Whiskey, it don’t matter to me I don’t get to do this a lot Not long ago, I could run all night With enough gas in my machine These ladies are laughing at all of my jokes Let’s stay here until 10:15 The bottle feels so good in my hand Let’s keep going till one of us ain’t able to stand Yes we can Just pull up a chair, it’s just you and me We’re drinking tonight like we’re still twenty-three We can be young again like two single men Who are careless and selfish and free The people that we used to be Jesus Christ Mark, look at the time How’s it a quarter past two? My wife’s probably thinks I’ve committed a crime I’m sure your wife will kill you, too These women wanna know why we gotta go There’s more booze back their place If we don’t leave now and make our way home We never get to go home again And the loneliness never ends I don’t want to be twenty-three again So let’s pay the tab, this one’s on me We’re done for the night, we got somewhere to be If I’m honest, my friend, we’re too old to pretend No matter how hard we look we won’t see The people that we used to be
8.
10 am I wake up, just a little hungover Head into kitchen in my underwear Sip my coffee on the couch, the apartment is empty My wife went to work, dropped the girl at daycare I turn on the TV and pick out a movie Watch the first half then I fall back to sleep I still live I did before we had a kid My wife’s doesn’t complain She lets me be me 5pm they get home and I’m on the piano My wife got the girl on her way back from work I say, “Just another hour till I finish this song.” It’s taking too long and I feel like a jerk While she’s washing the dishes and watching the baby While I search for words that I never can find I’m still playing the game, still waiting for fame My wife’s not the same She lets me be me Saturday she takes the baby out at 8am Does the laundry and the shopping She’s Superwoman there’s no stopping her While I’m passed out in bed Piano Man still running through my head 9pm I’m up on the stage pouring my heart out You’re not even listening, you’re just checking your phones Another room full of strangers ignoring my stories And when the show’s over I’ll be up here alone While she’s home with our daughter Reading her stories, singing her lullabies till she asleep I am fully aware that I should be there My wife’s so strong She lets me be me
9.
How you doing tonight folks? Are you enjoying the show? Soon as I’m done, folks You’ll be free to go And when you’re gone, I’ll still be here With no solutions gained My problems will still be with me And you’ll be entertained How you like my songs folks? Every word is true To tell you the truth, folks The songs aren’t for you I used to need an audience To keep from feeling worse Tonight I need this audience For me to rehearse cause It’s not important anymore I don’t care about what you think You’re not who I’m doing this for Opinions are there for me to ignore And when this show is through There’s only one thing left to do I’m gonna play these songs to my wife Cause they’re meant for her not you How do I sound folks? Who do I remind you of? You like Billy Joel, folks? What’s not to love? He writes songs about his life Otherwise we’re not the same Billy Joel is famous And you’ll forget my name but It’s not important anymore I don’t care about what you think You’re not who I’m doing this for Opinions are there for me to ignore And when this show is through There’s only one thing left to do I’m gonna play these songs to my wife Cause they’re meant for her not you Maybe nobody’s who I’m supposed to be Go ahead New York, do whatever you want with me Show’s almost done folks Was it good for you? Did you hate it all, folks? Not much I can do I’m gonna keep on writing songs This who I am And long as she believes in me I really don’t give a damn cause It’s not important anymore Can’t wait to get off this stage And walk through my front door And play my wife songs she hasn’t heard before So as soon as this show is through There’s only one thing left to do I finally know what’s important now That’s her, not you
10.
You never knew me when I was kid Back in St. Louie, Musicals were all that I did My eyes were full of stars Packed up my tap shoes, a bag full of tights Thought 6 months in New York would get my name up in lights It got me 13 years working in bars I went to every early morning open call Curled my hair in a bathroom stall Me and 20 other wannabes out in the hall Then at the old age of thirty-four I threw down the script and I danced out the door Cause there’s more to life than 8 shows a week Can’t take vacations, can’t make any plans Keep expectations low and in your agent’s hands Just sit and pray for a part Another callback, another near miss You’re right on the edge About to slip into the abyss Your dreams are breaking your heart You keep thinking, “God, why was I made this way?” You keep waiting for God to say, “Your big break’s coming anyday.” But dreams are easy for God to ignore Like every director you’ve auditioned for There’s more to life than 8 shows a week Motherhood, fatherhood, family and friends All of it's work and the work never ends Living for the ones you love takes its toll It’s one helluva of role I spent half my life looking for just one yes All those people I was trying to impress If I met them now I couldn’t care less I’ve got all I need, I’m finally sure That you and the kids are who I’m living for Every day is another encore I’m a mom, I’m a wife and my life Is more than 8 shows a week
11.
A middle aged man steps up to the plate His team is behind and the inning is late He’s been here before, uncertain and full of fear But he’s ready this time despite the fatigue From a decade or more in the minor league He hands are steady, his mind is totally clear Here comes the ball, it’s fast and it’s straight It’s his kind of pitch, it’s all down to fate He takes a swing, the best one of his career He needs a hit to stay in the game He’s willing to admit he’s the one to blame For believing a dream, he’s finally being sincere That’s what I’m doing here A tired old man answers the phone There’s joy in his voice because he’s not alone The sound of his family’s so loud you can barely hear He says, “I’ve had some good luck, 2 kids and a wife, Won more than I lost, had the time of my life. Played as long as I could but now the ending is near.” You ask him about that fateful pitch How it all went down and would he ever switch What he has for another chance to appear? He says, “That’s how the game works, there’s no way to know When you hit a ball how far it will go You just keep on swinging, year after year That’s what I’m doing here.”
12.
Half Done 03:25
Never been a person you could call content You’ll can’t get a dollar outta fifty cents Spent my youth preparing for the worst The best is yet to come, I’m getting reimbursed Baby I know it took some time But I’m about to hit my prime I feel like life has just begun I’m half done Been a mean lover and a lousy friend Interrupted every sentence before the end A spoiled little boy since the day we met But I haven’t gone bad, don’t get rid of me yet Baby I’m worth a second look Just like a steak that’s undercooked I’m like a burger without a bun I’m half-done Feeling like a kid I’m so inspired I know that I can be the guy you require I know you’re tired Of all the years And all the tears Facing all fears alone Here comes your man He's fully grown I know you always wanted us to have a plan But were paralyzed by my attention span Life is a like TV show I always quit They say the ending’s good, I gotta stick with it Baby my story’s incomplete An adventure I can’t repeat An episode I can’t re-run I’m half done, oooo yaza doodle dah! I gotta a lot things I wanna do Take a trip around the world with you Yes it’s true I recognize a lifetime flies The future dies too soon Only so much air In this hot air balloon It’s obvious to me that you deserve the best I didn’t give my all, so here comes the rest With a glass half full and a little luck You’ll get a few more pennies out this half a buck Baby the clock is ticking fast So let’s make every second last It’s time for us to have some fun I’m half done I’m half done A little more ammo in this gun Let's take a trip around the sun Oh now I'm done

about

Inspired by the unsuccessful experimental Broadway shows of the 1970s, singer-songwriter-comedian Julian Velard has written a musical about his own life. A born Manhattanite living in Queens with a wife and a child, Velard has quit the music business for the stable world of musical theater. Joined by his co-writer and fellow dad Mark from the Park, Velard presents his disasterpiece in an attempt to face middle age with his dreams still on his shoulders and the realities of life around his neck.

credits

released November 27, 2020

Music and Lyrics by Julian Velard and Grant Black
Book by Julian Velard and Joe Schiappa
Produced and mixed by Stephen Power
Additional Production by Paul Antonell
Musical direction by Matt Beck
Engineered by Shubham Mondal
Recorded at The Clubhouse in Rhinebeck, NY in September 2019 and February 2020

JV - vocals, piano
Frank Locrasto - hammond organ, piano
Al Street - electric and acoustic guitar
Matt Beck - additional acoustic guitar, mandolin, tenor banjo, bass VI
Adam Chilenski - upright and electric bass
Bill Campbell - drums
Dan Reiser - additional drums
Marcus Rojas - Tuba

Design and Layout by Jim Tierney
Additional Design by Martin Rivas
Photography by Damari McBride
Styling by Robyn Roberts

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Julian Velard New York

Julian Velard's musical stylings and comedic timing have made him a fixture in both the comedy and music scenes, and have created cult followings overseas.

He’s toured alongside Jamie Cullum, Paul Carrack, and has shared the stage with comedians Will Ferrell and Paul Scheer.

His ability to transition between worlds has led to regular appearances on The Howard Stern Show and NPR’s Ask Me Another.
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