1. |
I'm Julian
01:14
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I'm Julian
I'm a musician
I'm also a husband
with lots of songs about my wife
I'm in my forties
I have two children
What was I thinking?
This should be someone else's life
I don't know where I'm going
But I'm going somewhere
And there's no way of knowing
If I’ll get there
I'm Julian
And I'm in the middle
The middle of something
Guess I'll just sing now
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2. |
I Don't Know
03:04
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Dad, have you ever been in Jail?
Dad, have you ever been swallowed by whale?
Can I stay up and watch TV?
Then will you read a spooky story to me
I don’t know
I don’t know
Ask your Mom before she goes
Cause I don’t know
Dad, have you ever had a job?
Dad, did you ever have to join the mob?
How do you know when you’re in love?
Cause there’s this boy that I’ve been thinking of
I don’t know
I don’t know
Ask your Mom before she goes
Cause I don’t know
It’s Girls Night Out
Your brother’s asleep
It’s just you and me kid
So don’t get too deep
I always be here
To pay a few bills
But you mom has the answers
And I never will
Dad would rather be a dog
Or you would rather be giant frog
Why don’t you and Mom ever kiss?
I got a million other questions like this this
I don’t know
I don’t know
Ask your Mom before she goes
Cause I don’t know
I was a kid once
Curious like you
No matter how much I asked
My dad never knew
I’m just like my father
Ain’t it that how it goes
You'll be just like your mother
And your Mom always knows
Dad, is it over when we die
Or do we live on like the stars in the sky?
Are you too old to be a dad?
What’s the best ice cream you’ve ever had?
I don’t know
I don’t know
Ask your Mom before she goes
Cause I don’t know
I don't know
I don't know
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3. |
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Every time I get close
You run away from me
Right when I need you the most
There’s somewhere you gotta be
My friends tell me you’re outta my league
And chasing you’s a waste of my time
But when I’m with you I feel like star
You make me wanna buy an overpriced car
You take these idiots and make them all rich
I’m just like every other son of a bitch
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
No you don’t love me back
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
When you’re gone I’m depressed
You’re all I dream about
I won’t even get dressed
It costs too much to out
I got two little kids in private school
Have you seen the price of gas these days?
All I’m asking for is not very much
A couple million that I won’t even touch
I get the feeling that you think I’m joke
I can’t believe you’re gonna let me die broke
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
No you don’t love me back
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
I would build you home
Keep you safe in a bank
Save all your interest for me
Without you my life sucks
Let’s go make little bucks
Start a green family
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
Money, money, money
I’m in love with you
But you don’t love me back
Money I’m down on my knees
Girl I’m begging you please
Give me one more chance
Or at least an advance
I promise I will behave
Money make me your slave
I sell my kids and my wife
I need you in my life, Money!
I’m in love with you, Money!
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4. |
How Does It End?
02:47
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Please tell me how does it end?
Is it years away
Or just around the bend?
Please tell me how does it end?
Is there a way to die
That you would recommend?
On a beach in Hawaii
Drinking a Mai Tai
Suffering a massive heart attack
While staring a blue sky
In a home in with male nurse
Who bathes me twice a day
And accidentally drowns me
By looking the other way
Please tell me how does it end?
Is it years away
Or just around the bend?
Please tell me how does it end?
Is there a way to die
That you would recommend?
Being stabbed by my wife in the chest with a knife
Getting Knocked in the head by a billboard for Taylor Swift’s Red
A bite from a rattlesnake, crushed in an earthquake
Celebrating my 75th birthday
By having an allergic reaction to the cake
It’s the question that keeps me awake at night
I saw 9 different doctors, they all said I’m too uptight
Nobody can tell me the one thing I wanna know
What’s the time and place that I’m gonna go
Please tell me how does it end
Is there a way to die
That you would recommend ?
Any day I could step on a landmine
Or get hit by a stick of dynamite
But If knew when the plane was gonna crash
I could relax and enjoy the flight
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5. |
It Gets Late Early
03:17
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I can remember most all of it
Hard to believe that I’m halfway done
I look a bit older, I must admit
But in the right light I’m 21
The sun’s still up, I could use a cup
Of coffee to make it through
I’m fading fast
I’ve got one last thing to do
It gets late early these days
All the dreams inside my head
Are ready for bed
It gets late early these days
I’m tired but the fire inside me stays
I feel like I can do anything
Run with the kids but I’m getting slow
In a matter of time, I’ll be the biggest thing
Somebody told me that years ago
The moon is bright, I’ll say good night
Save it for another day
The future can wait
It’s only 8 hours away
It gets late early these days
All the dreams inside my head
Are ready for bed
Cause it gets late early these days
I’m tired but the fire inside me stays
It gets late early these days
All the dreams inside my head
Are ready for bed
Cause it gets late early these days
I’m tired but the fire inside me stays
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6. |
We Should Have An Affair
03:21
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We've been together a long time
Oh I know. Ten years of marriage, two kids
So I just thought it might be nice to shake things up a little bit. Maybe?
We should have an affair
We don’t know what out there
Maybe someone to share
We should have an affair
Nothing good on TV
I know you’re bored with me
I promise not to compare
We should have an affair
We know each restaurant in town
Closed every nightclub down
It’s time for something new you and me
We’ve got a lot of road ahead
And brand new king size bed
Why two and not three?
We should have an affair
Throw our pants in the air
Tie someone to a chair?
Sure! We should have an affair
Wow! This place is amazing!
Oh my gosh! Julian, where are we?
Rachel, I think we're in Paris
Paris! I've always wanted to go to Paris.
This is bread is so good!
Oh it's so fresh! What do they call this? Pain au chocolat?
Hey, is that accordion player who I think it is?
Weird Al?
It's totally him!
Oh, it's totally him
Hey, he's looking at us
Huh
Hey, how you doing?
I’ll wear leather and lace
Put a mask on my face
I kind of like the au pair
Yes, I love her!
We should have an affair
Let’s do it once, we’ll take it slow
No one will ever know
We’ll keep it between us
And the girl we choose
Yes, or maybe it could be a guy
We won’t know till we try
What’s left to lose
We should have an affair
Why are we being so square
Yeah, we’ve been married for years
Let’s check in with our peers
We should have a affair
Be a bit rock and roll
Throw our keys in a bowl
Take out a personal ad
Who says are orgies bad?
I wanna to sleep with a cop
Once we start we won’t stop
It’s all waiting out there
We should have an affair
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7. |
If You Left Me
02:40
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If you left me I’d be sad
I’d also be a little mad
I probably drink a lot more beer
Eat McDonald’s for a year
If you left me I’d be cold
Tell myself I’m not too old
Do some push ups every day
“Looking good,” my friends would say
Maybe I’d meet somebody
Anybody
Stay with them for a night or two
I’m sure you’d meet somebody
Anybody
Would love you like I do
If you left me I’d be poor
The kids won’t know me anymore
Not sure how I’d pay the rent
Half my life’s already spent
If you left me I’d be free
Become somebody who’s not me
Someone you wouldn’t even know
Maybe then you wouldn’t go
Maybe I’ll think of something
Change the one thing
That’s all that I have to do
Then we’d be left something
Instead of nothing
I’d like that, wouldn’t you?
If you left me I’d be dead
Maybe I should leave instead
Maybe it’s just another fight
Why don’t we kiss and say and goodnight?
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8. |
My Single Friends
03:03
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My single friends
They go out to all the bars
Stay up late
And write songs and their guitars
Eat like shit in their clothes that still fit
I’m just a little bit
Jealous I admit
My single friends
They’re allowed to make to mistakes
Fall in love and then slam on right breaks
Go have sex with a lunatic ex
While I’m writing checks
I don’t get to have sex
My single friends
Live each night like it’s their last
No regrets, never think about the past
They just drink and get some bad ink
Throw up in the sink, it’s not as fun as you think
No not at all
Boys go out and do your thing
I’ve got lullabies to sing
To these little people
on who happiness I depend
I’ve got a life I wanna keep
Jesus Christ I need to sleep
More than a night that never ends
With my single friends
My single friends
They come over once a year
They’re terrified, ask me what I’m doing here
Don’t know why my children cry
And my wife won’t say hi
It’s cause, she hates these guys
My single friends
Now and then we’ll catch a game
“How’s your wife?” they still call her “what’s her name”
And when the game's through, I know just what they'll do
It's what they always do
I'm done with this crew
I found something new
Boys go out and do your thing
I’ve got lullabies to sing
To these little people
on who happiness I depend
I’ve got a life I wanna keep
Jesus Christ I need to sleep
More than a night that never ends
With my single friends
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9. |
What If I'm Wrong?
02:47
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I think I'd be happy
If I wrote a number 1 song
But what if I'm wrong?
What if I'm wrong?
One look at my family
And I know that I belong
But what if I'm wrong?
What if I'm wrong?
What if everything I touched turned to gold?
And my lack of self esteem turned out to be a cold
It was me versus me all along
A one man game of ping pong
What if I’m wrong?
My wife tells me I look good in a thong
But what if she's wrong?
She's probably wrong
Everybody's happy, clappin and they're singing along
But the words are all wrong
The words are all wrong
People say life has a way working out
But people they got no idea what they're talking about
They get the words wrong
To my number one song
What If I'm wrong?
What If I'm wrong?
If my midlife crisis wakes me up every night
Am I all right
Or is something wrong?
And if my inner voice and I get into a fight
Is the inner voice right
Or is the voice wrong?
Is the person that I am who I'm supposed to be?
Or is there someone hiding deep inside of me?
Somebody strong
Big as King kong
What's taking so long?
Somebody give me the gong
What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm wrong?
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10. |
This Is Love
03:03
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I’d take a bullet if you asked me to
I’ll never say no, it’s not what I do
Let’s live with your parents, how bad can it be?
We stare at our phones while lying bed
"Try not to fight," the therapist said
Who are we kidding, that’s not you me
Well the sun’s coming up on another day
This is who we are, this is who we will stay
The odds aren’t good, we probably won’t win
Take my hand, I’m all in
This is love
Just hold on
This is love
Just hold on
This is love
Look at us now, battered and bruised
All grown up, completely confused
This isn’t how I thought it would be
10 years, 2 kids on 5 hours sleep
One big promise we’re trying to keep
Marriage is hard, it kills the mystery
The light’s still on but it’s getting pretty late
We could fall apart, we could still be great
It might get worse, our dreams are paper thin
Take my hand, I’m all in
This is love
Just hold on
This is love
Just hold on
This is love
The odds aren’t good we prolly won’t win
But I know you and I know you’re all in
Cause this is love
This is love
This is love
This is love
This is love
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11. |
Epilogue
01:00
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All right
That’s it
We’re done
I gotta go
I got a big weekend
We’ve got 4 children’s birthday parties
And my daughter gymnastics
And my son has soccer
And uh, my wife’s going out tonight with the girls
So that means I’ll stay home with the kids
I gotta pay rent on Monday, so
It might be good to just kinda get that sorted
Sometimes it’s tricky with the bank
It doesn’t exactly go through the first time
You know, a lot of that depends on how much is in the account
There’s also the gas bill, I gotta pay that too
Oh man, isn’t bulk trash pickup on Tuesday?
Right, I gotta...
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Julian Velard Los Angeles, California
Julian Velard's musical stylings and comedic timing have made him a fixture in both the comedy and music scenes, and have
created cult followings overseas.
He’s toured alongside Jamie Cullum, Paul Carrack, and has shared the stage with comedians Will Ferrell and Paul Scheer.
His ability to transition between worlds has led to regular appearances on The Howard Stern Show and NPR’s Ask Me Another.
... more
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